


The Big Bang Theory

by zarahjoyce



Series: Game of Texts [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Jon is in denial, Modern AU, Scheming Siblings, Theon is a tool, but the lovable kind, hint it's Jon, lord idek, please pray for the eternal repose of his soul, poor boy, text style, they just want the best for Sansa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-04-08 04:35:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19099840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarahjoyce/pseuds/zarahjoyce
Summary: Theon:Knowing Jon, if left to fend for himself he would probably get the nerve to ask her out some time around neverMargaery:And Sansa will probably be happy to wait for him until he makes his moveMargaery:Unless she dies of old age firstArya:So we're just speeding things along. Make them happy together.Robb:Jesus, Arya, ever since you started dating Gendry you've turned into such a fucking romanticArya:THAT'S A FUCKING LIE ROBB YOU TAKE THAT BACK OR I'LL SLIT YOUR THROAT





	1. Chapter 1

_**Arya Stark created a group chat  
  
Arya Stark  named the group chat "The Big Bang Theory"**_ **  
  
****Robb:** What **  
**  
**Theon:** Wat  
  
**Bran:**  Wut  
  
**Theon:** ~*whut*~  
  
**Margaery:**  omg stop  
  
**Bran:**  Rickon's asking why he's not invited to the group chat  
  
**Arya:**  Because he's still a baby. Let the adults talk. Tell him to go play with his wooden toys  
  
**Robb:**  Excuse you you're all babies???  
  
**Arya:**  stfu  
  
**Theon:**  *indignant gasp*  
  
**Theon:**  I'll not have you disrespecting your brother in my house young lady!  
  
**Arya:**  Shut up Theon knowing you you're probably in our house????  
  
**Theon:**  ... right, carry on then  
  
**Margaery:**  hey, Sansa and Jon aren't in the group chat?  
  
**Margaery:**  unless  
  
**Margaery:**  OMG   
  
**Arya:**  ding ding ding ding we have a winner  
  
**Robb:**  What are you talking about  
  
**Arya:** aaaand we have a loser  
  
**Arya:** Margaery, tell me again why you're dating my brother???  
  
**Margaery:**  It's a fun, adult thing  
  
**Bran:**  ew  
  
**Theon:** I'll be happy to teach you guys if you want. Adult things are kind of ~my thing~  
  
**Arya:**  Again with the ew   
  
**Arya:**  Also, my boyfriend's here, he's just being super silent and judgmental particularly about Theon  
  
**Arya:**  Actually no, his phone is broken but I'm reading everything out loud to him  
  
**Robb:**  I still have no idea what's going on  
  
**Margaery:**  Babe, I love you, but like when did you ever   
  
**Bran:** *mic drop*  
  
**Arya:**  Harsh but true  
  
_**Robb Stark added Jon Snow to the group chat  
  
Robb Stark added Sansa Stark to the group chat  
  
Arya Stark removed Jon Snow from the group chat  
  
Arya Stark removed Sansa Stark from the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** are you fucking kidding me Robb  
  
**Robb:** What, I thought you just forgot about them  
  
**Arya:**  If I wanted to add them I would have  
  
**Arya:**  I don't  
  
**Arya:**  Because I created this group chat to talk about THEM  
  
**Theon:**  Interesting. Intriguing. Me likey.  
  
**Bran:**  And I'm here because...?  
  
**Arya:**  I need a brother who's actually smart  
  
**Robb:** HEY   
**  
Arya:** I need your support in this guys  
  
**Margaery** **:** Arya, sweetling, I'm afraid you'd have to spell things out for these guys. Particularly to R-O-B-B.  
  
**Arya:**  fine  
  
**Arya:** As we all know, Jon and Sansa has had the hots for each other since FOREVER  
  
**Robb:** WHAT **  
  
Robb: **NO **  
  
Robb: **NO I DID NOT KNOW THIS **  
**  
**Arya:**  Ugh adding you was a mistake I regret my life decisions  
  
_**Arya Stark removed Robb Stark from the group chat**_  
  
**Theon** : lmao you really thought adding him in the first place would have helped  
  
**Margaery:**  Arya, be nice. It's not your brother's fault he's such a lovable idiot  
  
_**Margaery Tyrell added Robb Stark to the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** HEY  
  
**Margaery:**  Ooops my hand slipped  
  
**Robb:**  did you really just remove me from the group chat, Arya  
  
**Robb:**  This is treason  
  
**Theon:**  NO, THIS IS SPARTAAAA  
  
**Bran:**  This conversation is inane. Invite me again when you get to the good part.  
  
_**Bran Stark left the group chat  
  
**_**Theon:**  What a drama queen, amirite  
  
**Robb:**  GET TO THE POINT, ARYA  
  
**Arya:**  I WOULD BUT YOU'RE ALL ACTING LIKE IDIOTS  
  
**Margaery:**  Robb, darling, technically we're plotting to get Jon and Sansa together.  
  
**Robb:**  ...together?

 **Robb:**  As in to watch Big Bang Theory together?

 **Margaery:**  Oh you sweet summer child

 **Margaery:**  You're so lucky you're gorgeous  
  
**Theon:**  Get woke, dude, these girls want Jon and Sansa to bang.

 **Theon:**  Hence "The Big Bang Theory"

 **Arya:**  ...is anyone else scared that Theon actually gets it  
  
**Theon:**  HEY  
  
**Theon:**  I mean it's true but YOU SHOULDN'T SAY IT LIKE THAT

 _ **Robb is typing  
**  
**Robb is typing  
****  
Robb is typing  
**  
**Robb is typing  
**  
**Robb is typing  
  
**_**Theon:** Lord that is one longass sentence **  
  
**_**Robb is typing  
****  
****Robb is typing  
****  
****Robb is typing  
**  
**Robb is typing  
**  
**Robb is typing  
  
**_**Robb:** WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? **  
**  
**Arya:**  I didn't expect much but still I'm let down  
  
_**Arya Stark added Bran Stark to the group chat  
**_**  
Bran:** What  **  
**  
**Theon:**  Your sister has just unveiled the grand reason we're all gathered today  
  
**Theon:** And your brother's having a stroke  
  
**Theon:** Come join the party  
  
**Robb:**  JON and Sansa?  
  
**Robb:**  Jon AND Sansa?   
  
**Robb:**  Jon and SANSA?  
  
**Theon:**  Yes dude, ~*JoNaNdSaNsA*~  
  
**Arya:**  What? Only an idiot wouldn't see how they look at each other.

 **Arya:** Full offense, Robb.

 **Robb:**  I hate every one of you  
  
**Robb:** Except you, Marg, I love you with all of my being and I'll marry you in a heartbeat  
  
**Margaery:**  Aw **  
  
Theon:** Anyone else got a gif that says 'man, you're whipped' that I can use SPECIFICALLY in this situation  
  
**Robb:**  stfu man  
  
**Theon:**  *indignant gasp*  
**  
Margaery:**  I don't see what's getting you so worked up. I mean they'll be happier together, right?  
  
**Robb:**  That's beside the point  
  
**Arya:**  Right. Because the point of all of this is your FEELINGS. Not anyone else's, specifically not Jon's and Sansa's   
  
**Arya:** I mean it doesn't matter that she had a hand in getting the two of you together. That Jon can probably make her *happy*

 **Arya:** But no, we have to mind what YOU think  
  
**Arya:**  Jeez, Robb, get over yourself  
  
**Robb:**  ...Bran?  
  
**Bran:**  I have no opinion of this whatsover  
  
**Bran:** Except that I think Arya's doing this as a way to thank Sansa for getting her and Gendry together as well  
  
**Arya:**  That's super helpful, bro. Thanks.  
  
**Arya:**  I mean we're not going to force them into a situation they wouldn't want to be in  
  
**Arya:** Just, you know, help get things moving along  
  
**Theon:**  Knowing Jon, if left to fend for himself he would probably get the nerve to ask her out some time around never  
  
**Margaery:** And Sansa will probably be happy to wait for him until he makes his move  
  
**Margaery:**  Unless she dies of old age first  
  
**Arya:**  So we're just speeding things along. Make them happy together.  
  
**Robb:**  Jesus, Arya, ever since you started dating Gendry you've turned into such a fucking romantic  
  
**Arya:** THAT'S A FUCKING LIE ROBB YOU TAKE THAT BACK OR I'LL SLIT YOUR THROAT  
  
**Robb:**  I SAID WHAT I SAID  
  
**Arya:** YOU AND MARG ARE WORSE THAN WE CAN EVER BE!!!  
  
**Robb:** YOU THINK I'LL BE ASHAMED OF THAT BUT I'M NOT **  
  
Bran:** Children, calm down. Jesus  
  
**Bran:**  This is why I hate group chats  
  
_**Bran Stark left the group chat  
  
**_**Theon:** That would have been super dramatic except he forgot I'm in his house and I can see him rolling his eyes at us  
  
**Arya:** Let him. He's on my side anyway  
  
**Margaery:** So do you have any actual plans or are you just content to threaten your brother  
  
**Robb:** I can't believe I'm actually reading this  
  
**Arya:** Yeah, yeah Robb, we all know about your delicate sensibilities  
  
**Arya:** Someone give him pearls to clutch  
  
**Arya:** So, uh, idk. Any thoughts?  
  
**Margaery:** How about setting them up on a blind date with each other? _ **  
  
**_**Arya:** Great idea, Marg. I told Gendry to write that down  
  
**Arya:**  Or what if we make them jealous? Like idk, Theon could try flirting with Sansa?  
  
**Margaery:** Oohh interesting  
  
**Theon:**  THAT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE HOW DARE YOU MAKE THIS SUGGESTION YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME KILLED IN LINE OF DUTY DO YOU KNOW HOW CAPABLE JON IS IN HOLDING A KNIFE???  
  
**Arya:**  Duh. He's a vet.  
  
**Theon:**  but I mean I will gladly make the sacrifice, all in the name of true love. Tell Gendry to write that down  
  
**Theon:**  BUT IF I DIE I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU ALL PAY FOR IT  
  
**Arya:** Thanks dude **  
  
****Arya:** So what else  
  
**Theon:**  How about we lock them up in a room together? Throw the key away and let them figure out how to get out on their own? Then maybe, just maybe, ~things~ will ~happen~   
  
**Margaery:** That is gross and disturbing, Theon, I'm not surprised YOU thought of that   
  
**Margaery:** Tell Gendry to write that down too  
  
**Arya:**  Gotcha  
  
**Robb:**  God would the three of you just STOP  
  
**Robb:**  I'll just tell Jon he can't date Sansa  
  
**Robb:**  And tell Sansa she can't date Jon  
  
**Robb:**  WATCH ME DO MY BROTHERLY DUTY  
  
**Robb:** WATCH AND LEARN KIDS  
  
_**Robb Stark left the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** THE IDIOT I CAN'T ACTUALLY WATCH I'M OVER AT GENDRY'S???  
_**  
**_**Margaery:** Don't worry sweetling, I have you covered  
  
_**Margaery Tyrell left the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:**...how. How does she have me covered  
  
**Theon:**  Come home, Arya,   
  
**Theon:** Show's about to start!!!!!!  
  
**Theon:** Robb just called Jon to meet with him here so they can "talk"

 **Theon:** I'm so excited

 **Theon:** Poor Sansa looks so confused L M A O  
  
**Arya:**  FUCK  
  
**Arya:**  Tell Robb to wait for me before he starts with the theatrics  
  
**Theon:**  BRING POPCORN  
  
_**Theon Greyjoy left the group chat  
**_

_**Arya Stark left the group chat** _


	2. Chapter 2

**Arya:**  OMG Jon wtf happened with you and Robb  
  
**Arya:**  Are you okay?  
  
**Jon:**  I'm fine, it's just a misunderstanding  
  
**Arya:**  Tell me everything, I want to know  
  
_**Arya Stark added Theon Greyjoy to the group chat  
  
****Arya Stark added Margaery Tyrell to the group chat**  
  
**Arya Stark added Bran Stark to the group chat  
  
**_**Jon:**  what  
  
**Theon:**  Wazzap  
  
**Margaery:** Hello!  
  
**Jon:**  Suddenly it's a group chat  
  
**Jon:**  Arya  
  
**Arya:**  What  
  
**Arya:**  I said I wanted to know everything  
  
**Arya:**  Which means multiple eyewitness accounts  
  
**Arya:** Hence the group chat  
  
**Arya:** You can thank me later  
**  
Margaery:**  How's the eye going, Jon?  
  
**Jon:** It's fine  
**  
Jon:** I mean I can still see things with the other eye, so that's a plus **  
  
****Arya:** Shit **  
  
Margaery: **Some cold compress will do wonders for that  
  
**Margaery:**  I can ask Sansa to bring you some?  
  
**Jon:**...Sansa?  
  
**Margaery:** Yes? I believe you know her   
  
**Theon:**  She's ONLY the reason Robb hit Jon in the first place  
  
**Theon:** It was so funny  
  
**Arya:**  WHY THE HELL WOULD ROBB HIT YOU ON THE FACE BECAUSE OF SANSA, JON  
  
**Arya:**  I'm so confused  
  
**Bran:**  And here I thought Robb's the theater major of the family  
  
**Arya** : I have no idea what you're talking about, Bran Stark

**Arya** : SHUT UP

**Arya:**  ANYWAY, JON  
**  
Arya:**  Answer the damned question  
  
**Jon:**  Like I said, it's all a major misunderstanding  
  
**Jon:**  Robb thought I fancied Sansa  
  
**Arya:**  WHAT????????????????  
  
**Theon:** Who would have thought Jon fancied Sansa, tho????  
  
**Theon:**  Certainly not moi???  
  
**Theon:**  Certainly not anyone in this group????  
  
**Theon:**  Such a thing has NEVER entered anyone's mind at ANY GIVEN MOMENT THO????  
  
**Theon:**  It's certainly a MYSTERY????  
  
**Theon:**  It's so mind boggling????  
  
**Margaery:**  Theon, sweetie  
  
**Margaery:**  Do us all a favor and shut the fuck up  
  
**Theon:** Yes, Mum  
  
**Jon:**  I don't really know how he came to that conclusion though  
  
**Arya:**  IKR??? What the hell  
  
**Arya:**  I'm so sorry my brother can be sort of an overprotective ass?  
  
**Margaery:** Calling him an ass is a bit much, isn't it, sweetling?  
  
**Arya:**  And hitting Jon in the face isn't, Marg?  
  
**Margaery:** Touche  
  
**Theon:** It's actually kind of funny  
  
**Theon:** One moment they're talking and then Robb sort of just EXPLODED **  
  
****Theon:** And then Jon's on the ground????   
  
**Theon:** And Sansa was screaming bloody murder?  
  
**Theon:**  And Robb was like, STAYYY AWAYYY FROMM MYYY SISTERRR???  
  
**Theon:** It's a good thing I was there. I stopped things from escalating further. I brought Jon back to our flat before Robb murdered him  
  
**Theon:** YOU OWE ME YOUR LIFE, JON SNOW  
  
**Theon:** But lord that was some good shit  
  
**Jon:** I'm so pleased you find it amusing **  
  
Jon: **SinceI, for one, fail to see what's funny about it  
  
**Bran:**  Probably because you need both eyes to see it  
  
**Theon:** D U D E **  
  
Arya:** Too harsh  
  
**Arya:**  Jesus  
  
**Jon:**  Thanks Bran, that's very helpful  
  
**Margaery:**  I'm so sorry about that, Jon  
  
**Margaery:** I don't know what came over Robb  
  
**Margaery:** I mean it's certainly not because he realized that you seem to be head over heels in love with his sister or anything  
  
**Jon** **:**  what  
  
**Jon:** I'm not?  
  
**Arya:**  Yeah  
  
**Arya:**  Who would even think you're in love with Sansa???  
  
**Arya:** I mean it's not like you look at her like she's the most precious thing you've ever seen???  
  
**Arya:** And like, it's obviously NOT like you always wear that scarf she knitted for you?  
  
**Arya:** And not like you finish everything she cooks for you even if they taste like horse shit?  
  
**Jon:** What are you talking about **  
  
Jon:** I was being polite  
  
**Jon:**????  
  
**Arya:** Right **  
  
****Margaery:** Exactly **  
**  
**Margaery:** Robb has an overactive imagination  
  
**Margaery:**  He IS an actor  
  
**Arya:** For sure **  
  
Jon: **That scarf was--   
  
**Jon:** She worked hard for it so of course, to show my appreciation, I wear it?  
  
**Jon:** That doesn't mean anything  
  
**Margaery:** Of course  
  
**Arya:** Totally acceptable  
  
**Jon** : And she's improving  
  
**Jon:** With her cooking, I mean  
  
**Jon:** The last one, I didn't even feel anything after eating it so that's... good  
  
**Arya:** OMG **  
  
****Arya:** You mean to say you always do?  
  
**Theon:**  Fuck, man, is that why you usually hog the bathroom a few hours after Sansa drops by the flat???  
  
**Jon:** No.  
  
**Margaery:**  Oh my  
  
**Margaery:** I mean **  
  
****Margaery:** That's totally normal, yes, nothing out of the ordinary there  
  
**Arya:** Even Gendry doesn't do that for me and I'm already dating him???  
  
**Arya:** Not that I ever cooked for him or anything **  
****  
****Margaery:** Jesus Christ, Jon  
**  
Jon:**  What?  
  
**Arya:** Theon  
  
**Arya:** I believe you have something to say?  
  
**Theon:** I do?  
  
**Theon:** OH YEAH, I MEAN  
  
**Theon:** So uh, since we've established that Jon is feeling absolutely nothing but familial feelings for Sansa, despite the absolute fact that he risks diarrhea every fucking time she feeds him her cooking  
  
**Bran:**  I can't believe you guys made me read that shit with my own four eyes  
  
**Bran:** That's it, I'm out  
  
_**Bran Stark left the group chat**  
_  
**Theon:** You really should stop inviting him to group chats, Arya  
  
**Arya:** Yes, yes, YOU WERE SAYING?  
  
**Theon:** Right  
  
**Theon:** Since Jon Snow has always treated and will always treat Sansa Stark as the darling sister he's never had - nothing more, nothing less  **  
  
****Jon:**  Exactly  
**  
Theon:** I was just wondering if I, Theon Greyjoy, should just **  
  
****Theon:**  ~ask her out~ **  
**  
**Jon:** What?  
  
**Margaery:** Ask her out? You?  
  
**Arya:**  Really, Theon?  
  
**Theon:** Don't you guys think we look cute together?  
  
**Jon:**  Are you serious   
  
**Jon:**  Are you fucking serious right now, Greyjoy  
  
**Theon:**  LIKE A HEART ATTACK  
  
**Theon:** Especially since I juuuust realized Jon and I are actually alone in our flat  
  
**Theon:**  And he has a lot of fucking knives lying about everywhere  
  
**Theon:**  UH  
  
_**Jon Snow left the group chat  
**_**  
****Margaery:**  Well, that was fun while it lasted  
  
**Arya:** You think we pushed too hard on that last bit? **  
  
****Margaery:** idk. Not really?  
  
**Margaery:** Not like Theon had a lot of time to hammer in how he'd love to date Sansa himself  
  
**Arya:** Yeah  
  
**Arya:** Do better next time???  
  
**Theon:**  OH SHIT OH FUCK YOU GUYS   
  
**Theon:**  ABOUT THAT HEART ATTACK THING I  
  
**Theon:** I THINK I'M HAVING ONE RIGHT NOW **  
  
****Arya:**  Wait what's going on?  
  
**Margaery:** Theon?  
  
**Theon:**  JON IS BANGING ON MY DOOR AS I SPEAK  
  
**Theon:**  OH SHIT  
  
**Theon:**  HE'S GONNA BREAK THE FUCKING THING DOWN  
  
**Theon:**  I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE  
  
**Theon:**  HE'S GOING TO KILL ME  
  
**Theon:**  SHIT  
  
_**Theon Greyjoy left the group chat  
**_  
**Arya:**  Uh  
  
**Arya:**  Should we help him?  
  
**Margaery:** That's it, I'm calling Robb  
  
_**Arya Stark left the group chat  
  
Margaery Tyrell left the group chat**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so apparently this is now a multi-chaptered thing?
> 
> ...oops


	3. Chapter 3

**Sansa:**  Hey  
  
**Sansa:**  Did you know that technically one CAN get away with killing their brother if one plans well enough in advance?  
  
**Bran:** it's called fratricide, Sansa  
  
**Bran:**  and as your brother I'm appalled that you're sharing this information with me  
  
**Sansa:**  What I thought you liked knowledge  
  
**Sansa:**  I'm helping you accumulate it  
  
**Bran:**  I could have gone on my life without knowing that you're thinking about killing one of us  
  
**Bran:**  But no, now I have to live with it **  
  
Sansa:** Lighten up, Jesus  
  
**Bran:**  LigHTEN UP  
  
**Bran** : Me  
  
**Bran:**  This from one who brought the topic of fratricide so casually in a chat  
  
**Bran:**  to her own BROTHER  
  
**Sansa:**  My point still stands  
  
_**Bran Stark added Arya Stark to the group chat  
  
Bran Stark added Rickon Stark to the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** Hey, losers **  
  
****Arya:** Did any of you see Robb by any chance  
  
**Bran:**  Ask Sansa  
  
**Sansa:**  Not me  
  
**Rickon:**  Not *I*  
**  
Arya:**  OMFG did you just  
  
**Sansa:**  Really, Rickon  
  
**Sansa:** Really  
  
**Sansa:**  Out of everything you could have been  
  
**Sansa:** you've chosen to grow into a grammar nazi  
  
**Sansa:** I'm so disappointed  
  
**Rickon:**  I saw Robb making out with Marg just a few minutes ago  
  
**Rickon:** Why're'you asking  
  
**Bran:** I think the better question is why are you looking  
  
**Bran:**  And why are you using contractions when you don't have to  
  
**Rickon:** They were right next to a pokestop  
  
**Rickon:**  And to a Pikachu  
  
**Rickon:** It's gross  
  
**Bran:**  Pikachu?  
  
**Bran:**  I thought he was your favorite  
  
**Rickon:**  I meant Robb and Marg  
  
**Rickon:**  They were necking with each other and it's G R O S S  
  
**Sansa:**  Robb willingly showed you how indecent he can be with Marg?  
  
**Sansa:** All the more reason to punish him then  
  
**Bran:**  NO  
  
**Bran:** You are not murdering Robb, Sansa  
  
**Bran:**  I forbid it  
  
**Sansa:**  You're not my father  
  
**Bran:** IT'S AGAINST THE LAW  
  
**Bran:** JESUS  
  
**Arya:**  Oh we're talking about murdering Robb now?  
  
**Arya:** Is this because he hit Jon  
  
**Sansa:**  HE WAS OUT OF LINE  
  
**Sansa:** LIKE AN IDIOT  
  
**Sansa:**  Why would he even do that to *JON*  
  
**Rickon:**  Hey Arya, does Gendry have any extra pokeballs  
  
**Rickon:**  I'm all out  
  
**Arya:** I have no idea what you're saying  
  
**Arya:** I'll ask him  
  
**Sansa:** He's his best friend  
  
**Sansa:** He's literally the sweetest, gentlest person on the planet   
  
**Sansa:** And Robb basically hurt him for no discernible reason AT ALL  
  
**Arya:**  Gendry says he'll call you, Rickon   
  
**Arya:** He says he saw a legendary pokemon and he'll show you where  
  
**Rickon:**  AWESOME  
  
_**Rickon Stark left the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** Right, where were we  
  
**Bran:**  Sansa's waxing poetic about Jon  
  
**Bran:** It's horrible  
  
**Sansa:**  I WAS NOT  
  
**Sansa:** You take that back  
  
**Arya:** lmao when is she not, Bran, really  
  
_**Arya Stark added Margaery Tyrell to the group chat  
  
**_**Margaery:** Hello, sweetlings  _ **  
  
**_**Arya:** Did you even get to call Robb  
  
**Sansa:** Or did you go straight to necking with him  
  
**Sansa:** In a place where my baby brother can see you two  
  
**Sansa:** I thought you knew better than that  
  
**Margaery:** Hello to you too, Sansa  
  
**Margaery:** Yes, Arya, Robb and I talked about Theon  
  
**Margaery:** We called him up  
  
**Margaery:** He's okay. As a matter of fact  
  
_**Margaery Tyrell added Theon Greyjoy to the group chat  
  
**__**Margaery Tyrell added Jon Snow to the group chat**_ _ **  
  
**_**Margaery:** Say hi to the group, boys  
  
**Theon:**  Hello from a place where I'm emphatically NOT held hostage by one handsome Jon Snow :D  
  
**Jon:**  Theon.   
  
**Theon:**  :D :D :D  
  
**Margaery:** See. He's okay  
  
**Theon:** Oh yeah, right as rain  
  
**Theon:** There's literally nothing like threats of bodily harm to make one's day even better  
  
**Theon:** Not like threats of heavy mutilation actually hurt anyone or anything  
  
**Theon:** And Jon Snow is literally the best pal anyone can ever hope for  
  
**Theon:** He's the actual fucking best  
  
**Arya:** Dude **  
  
****Arya:**  Jon's sitting right next to you, isn't he  
  
**Theon:** Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**Jon:** No. **  
  
****Theon:** No.  
  
**Sansa:** What's going on?  
  
**Jon:**  Oh shit  
**  
Jon:**  I mean  
  
**Jon:**  Hi  
  
**Sansa:** Hi, Jon  
  
**Sansa:** How are you?  
  
**Jon:** I'm okay, don't worry about me  
  
**Sansa:**  I'm not  
  
**Sansa:** I mean I am but you know  
  
**Jon:** Yeah  
  
**Jon:** I didn't mean to imply that you were, just that, you know  
  
**Jon:** If you are  
  
**Jon:** You don't have to be  
  
**Sansa:** Right  
  
**Bran:** This is painful to watch  
  
**Arya:** Thank god someone else said it so I don't have to  
  
**Margaery:** Personally I thought it was really sweet  
  
**Jon:** I have no idea what you guys are talking about **  
  
Theon: **Hello ~Sansa~  
  
**Sansa:** Hey, Theon  
  
**Sansa:** Thanks for bringing Jon home earlier  
  
**Theon:** Oh it's my personal pleasure  
  
**Theon:** You don't have to thank me  
  
**Theon:**  I'm just being the same ol' helpful, heroic person that I am  
  
**Theon:** I was actually just telling Jon how much he owes me  
  
**Theon:** If it wasn't for me who knows what could have happened  
  
**Jon:** Nothing would have happened, I won't allow it **  
  
Sansa: **You should have fought back, Jon **  
  
****Sansa:** Honestly  
  
**Jon:** I didn't want to escalate things further!  
  
**Jon:** It's all a misunderstanding anyway  
  
**Sansa:** Right. **  
  
****Sansa:** It's not like you and I  
  
**Sansa:**  you know  
  
**Jon:** Exactly.  
  
**Jon:** I don't know what Robb was thinking  
  
**Sansa:**  He was being an ABSOLUTE idiot  
  
**Jon:**  The WORST kind of idiot  
  
**Margaery:**  While I'm inclined to agree with you two, I'm unfortunately compelled to say: HEY  
  
**Sansa:** Sorry not sorry  
  
**Jon:** What she said  
  
**Theon:** So, wild thought  
  
**Theon:** You want to come here, Sansa?  
  
**Theon:** See the boys, have fun with us  
  
**Theon:**  Notice, Snow comma Jon, that I'm using the word "us" instead of "me", so STOP YOUR FUCKING GLARING  
  
**Theon:** Tho I'll leave that up ~entirely~ to the beautiful lady's discretion   
  
**Margaery:**  Ooh, good idea  
  
**Margaery:**  You can visit Jon, Sansa, help him with his problem  
  
**Arya:** LMAO  
  
**Margaery:**  I meant his "eye" problem, sweetling  
  
**Bran:** Of course you do **  
  
****Margaery:** :D **  
  
Jon: **What  
  
**Jon:**  No  
  
**Jon:** The place is a mess  
  
**Theon:** HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT I CLEANED UP LAST WEEK????  
  
**Arya:** Ugh you filthy slobs  
  
**Arya:** No wonder your lives are a mess **  
  
****Theon:** *indignant gasp* **  
  
Jon:** Also I'm expecting a client soon  
  
**Jon:** A lady with three pit bulls with anger problems  
  
**Jon:**  So, actually, now really isn't a good time  
  
**Bran:** You're planning on examining three pit bulls    
  
**Bran:** with anger problems **  
  
****Bran:** with just one good eye? **  
  
Jon: **...yes?  
  
**Jon:**  And Theon's going to help me  
  
**Theon:** Who the fuck said I was?  
  
**Jon:**  Me.   
  
**Jon:** Do you have a problem with that, Greyjoy?  
  
**Theon:** Of course not, I was just asking.  
  
**Theon:** Politely. **  
  
****Theon:** Thank you for answering my question.  
  
**Jon:** So, uh. Maybe some other time?  
  
**Sansa:** It's fine, Jon **  
  
****Sansa:** I wasn't really planning on dropping by, anyway **  
  
****Sansa:** Thanks for the offer though, Theon  
  
_**Sansa Stark left the group chat  
**_  
**Theon:** oooh~awkward~ **  
  
Arya: **Jesus, Jon, what the fuck's wrong with you  
  
**Jon:**  What? I do have an appointment later!  
  
**Margaery:**  You couldn't have postponed it until after Sansa made you feel better?  
  
**Jon:**  What?  
  
**Margaery:**  Oh don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about  
  
**Jon:** I really have no time for this  
  
_**Jon Snow left the group chat  
**_  
**Theon:** Does anyone else see the irony in this situation  
  
**Arya:**  What, the fact that the two people we're trying to make happy end up getting pissed instead????  
  
**Arya:**  GEE, NOW THAT YOU ACTUALLY MENTIONED IT  
  
**Arya:** Ugh, this is all Robb's fault  
  
**Arya:** I'm going to kill him  
  
**Bran:** It's called fratricide, Arya, and I will tell you what I told Sansa before:  
  
**Bran:** IT'S AGAINST THE LAW  
  
**Bran:** JESUS  
  
**Margaery:** Now what do we do  
  
**Arya:**  idek but we have to fix it  
  
**Arya:** I refuse to have both Sansa and Jon moping around and pining after each other like idiots any longer  
  
**Theon:** Aw. Look at you **  
  
****Theon:** Being all considerate of others and shit **  
  
****Theon:** I guess Gendry really is good for you, isn't he  
  
**Arya:**  Is it still fratricide if I kill Theon instead  
  
**Bran:**  No it's not   
  
**Arya:**  Awesome  
  
**Theon:**  I can't tell if you're joking or not but just in case  
  
_**Theon Greyjoy left the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** C'mon, Marg, help me out here _ **  
**_  
**Margaery:** Let's talk about it in person, then  
  
_**Arya Stark left the group chat  
  
Margaery Tyrell left the group chat**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Arya Stark created a group chat**_  
  
_**Arya Stark named the group chat "You Better Not Fuck This Up Robb"**_  
  
**Robb:** First of all I am highly offended, Arya   
  
**Arya:**  stfu  
  
**Arya:** You know if it wasn't for you we won't be in this fucking mess right  
  
**Robb:**  It's called "internalizing the role"  
  
**Robb:**  It's called "improvisation"  
  
**Robb:**  Ordinary people just can't understand the intricacies of acting  
  
**Robb:**  Also I thought Marg explained it to you  
  
**Margaery:**  Robb, I love you  
  
**Margaery:** But it'll be a cold day in hell before I willingly fix your mess for you :)

 **Margaery:** Aside from this one, obviously

 **Theon:**  I didn't realize improv work involves giving people a black eye  
  
**Theon:**  ~the more you know~  
  
**Robb:**  I was playing a part, okay  
  
**Robb:**  The role of an overprotective brother who juuust found out that his best friend's pining over his little sister  
  
**Robb:** How did you think he was going to react to such surprising news???  
  
**Arya:**  YOU IDIOT THAT'S ACTUALLY YOU TO A T  
  
**Theon:** You do realize the Jon's eye is still shut to this day  
  
**Theon:** He wears this eye patch that's - SURPRISE!!!! - also black in color  
  
**Theon:**  It matches his black shirt, black pants, and black jacket surprisingly well  
  
**Theon:**  Who knew, right  
  
**Robb:** Okay so maybe I overreacted  
  
**Arya:** M A Y B E ? ? ?  
  
**Bran:** Is this a good time to inform you that Sansa wants to kill you BECAUSE you hit Jon?  
  
**Robb:**  No  
  
**Robb:**  It's NEVER a good time to be informed of that, Bran  
  
**Bran:**  I thought so  
  
**Robb:**  It's fine  
  
**Robb:**  I'll just apologize to them  
  
**Margaery:**  You'll do better than that, love  
  
**Robb:**  What do you mean???  
  
**Margaery:** Arya and I talked about it  
  
**Margaery:** And what we're going to do to FIX YOUR MESS is set the two of them up on a blind date   
  
**Margaery:** with *each other*  
  
**Bran:** What  
  
**Bran:** That is never going to work  
  
**Theon:** Not with that attitude it won't  
  
**Theon:**  Right, ladies????  
  
**Arya:**  If Robb won't fuck it up, it just might  
  
**Robb:**  HEY  
  
**Margaery:**  You're not going to do anything except pay for their dinner anyway  
  
**Margaery:** How hard can it be  
  
**Theon:** Famous last words lmao  
  
**Arya:**  Gdi don't jinx it  
  
**Margaery:** All right, I'm sorry  
  
**Margaery:** Anyway  
  
**Margaery:** The date will happen at Winterfell Castle  
  
**Arya:** We're talking truffles and cellos and five-piece forks and spoons and shit  
  
**Arya:**  I mean why the hell does anyone need so many of them for just one fucking meal???  
  
**Margaery:** The rest of us will be over next door at Baratheon's Bar  
  
**Margaery:** You know, to supervise. And, knowing Jon, probably troubleshoot as well  
  
**Margaery:** Also sponsored by you, love  
  
**Arya:**  Gendry'll give us discounts, obviously, so you only need like $1500, tops  
  
**Robb:**  FUCK YOU GUYS  
  
**Robb:** Can I say no?  
  
**Bran:**  Can you unblack-eye Jon?  
  
**Robb:**  ...No?  
  
**Arya:** There's your answer, stupid  
  
**Robb:**  Fine. When's this happening?  
  
**Margaery:** This Saturday  
  
**Theon:**  OH SHIT  
  
**Arya:**  Do we even want to know, Theon  
  
**Theon:** Trust me  
  
**Theon:** YOU DO  
  
**Theon:** So, funny story  
  
**Theon:** Remember that fateful day when Jon told us he has a client? That lady with the three pit bulls and their anger management issues?  
  
**Bran:**  You mean yesterday?  
  
**Theon:** Shut up Bran I'm the one telling the story????  
  
**Theon:** Where was I  
  
**Theon:** Oh, right, Jon's client  
  
**Theon:** Turns out she's none other than that elusive, crazy rich Targaryen heiress?  
  
**Theon:** The one who's just ~apparently~ moved in our fucking neighborhood without anyone knowing?  
  
**Theon:** And she's... I mean I'm not one who swoons easily but, gOdDaMn  
  
**Theon:** She's beauty, she's grace  
  
**Theon:** Her pit bulls' gonna eat your fucking face  
  
**Robb:**  I'm assuming this has a point  
  
**Theon:**  Fuck you Robb I'm getting there  
  
**Theon:** I think Jon's also a bit awestruck with her but my man pulled through beautifully  
  
**Theon:** He was only like, 3/4s awkward around her  
  
**Theon:** As opposed to his being 8/4s full awkward around Sansa  
  
**Arya:** What the fuck do you mean he's awestruck with her?  
  
**Bran:** Awestruck's synonyms are the following:   
  
**Bran:**  amazed, astonished, astounded, bowled over, flabbergasted, stunned  
  
**Margaery:**  Thank you, Bran, that's very helpful  
  
**Arya:**  What, you mean Jon likes her????  
  
**Theon:**  What's not to like? She's a) beautiful b) an heiress who actually tips exceedingly well c) an animal lover and d) JUST ASKED JON OUT FOR A DATE  
  
**Theon:** ON SATURDAY  
  
**Arya:** FUCK   
  
**Margaery:** How'd you know all this?  
  
**Theon:** I was helping Jon out, remember? Because of his whole one-eye situation courtesy of Robb?  
  
**Theon:** I was there but she has eyes only for *Jon* and his stupid eye patch  
  
**Theon:** I mean I'll be offended except she gave me like $200 for basically being the human equivalent of a chew toy while Jon examined her "children"  
  
**Theon:** So I'm over it  
  
**Arya:**  SHIT  
  
**Arya:** SEVEN FUCKING HELLS

 **Margaery:** Calm down, sweetling, we can still fix this

 **Robb:** I thought you guys said Jon likes Sansa???

 **Robb:** WHY THE HELL IS HE ACCEPTING DATES FROM OTHER WOMEN, THEN???

 **Theon:** The Targaryen heiress has her ways okay

 **Theon:**...Also it's possible Jon doesn't actually realize it's a date

 **Bran:** He can't be that dumb, can he?

 **Bran:** Wait, no, we ARE talking about Jon  
  
**Margaery:** Do you know where they're meeting up?  
  
**Theon:** Dragonstone Den  
  
**Margaery:** Are you sure?  
  
**Theon:** Preeeetty damn sure  
  
**Theon:**  I mean it's not often you hear "I bought Dragonstone Den" in a sentence around here SO  
  
**Theon:** Apparently she had it remodeled. She invited Jon to the ~grand reopening~ she's hosting on Saturday night  
  
**Theon:** And being the goodest boi there is, OF COURSE Jon Snow said he'll come  
  
**Arya:** Fuck, Robb, THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT  
  
_**Arya Stark renamed the group chat "Robb Fucked**   **It Up ANYWAY** **"**_  
  
**Robb:**  HEY  
  
**Robb:** I SAID I'M SORRY, JESUS

 **Arya:** EXCEPT YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T???  
  
**Margaery:** Theon, sweetling  
  
**Margaery:** Were you also invited?  
  
**Theon:**  Should I be worried that you called me 'sweetling'  
  
**Margaery:** ANSWER THE QUESTION  
  
**Theon:**  Yes  
  
**Theon:** I mean technically anyone can come, so  
  
**Margaery:** GREAT  
  
**Margaery:** I HAVE A PLAN  
  
**Margaery:**  Fair warning though, Theon's DEFINITELY gonna get hit by Jon  
  
**Theon:** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKITY FUCK

 **Margaery:** You may want to prepare your own eye patch. Or two.   
  
**Bran** : Can I come? I wanna see it  
  
**Margaery:** Of course, sweetling :)  
  
**Theon:**  I DID NOT AGREE TO BE PART OF THIS NARRATIVE???  
  
**Arya:** Too late, you already are~

 **Theon:** Let's talk about this more

 **Theon:** guys?

 **Theon:** GUYS???


	5. Chapter 5

**Theon:**  I feel like this is a good opportunity to remind everyone that I AM NOT INSURED  
  
**Arya:**  lmao I mean who among us is anyway???  
  
**Margaery:**  In my defense, it's not my choice that I am?  
  
**Theon:** Rich people problems???  
  
**Theon:** That's specifically the type of problem I aspire to have one day  
  
**Bran:**  Well dreaming IS free, as they say  
  
**Theon:**  I am SO glad you find joy in my suffering, Bran Stark. SERIOUSLY  
  
**Margaery:** Relax, Theon **  
  
****Margaery:** I mean isn't that the whole point of Robb letting you stay in their house in the meantime?  
  
**Robb:**  Don't make me regret it, man  
  
**Theon:**  Can't you find another guy to do this  
  
**Theon:** What about Gendry **  
  
****Theon:** He can make good puppy eyes  
  
**Theon:**  I mean that's how he always looks at Arya anyhow **  
  
****Theon:** Can't he just pretend Sansa is Arya or some shit  
  
**Arya:**  You know what's funny  
  
**Arya:** You're scared of Jon hurting you  **  
  
****Arya:** But keep that shit up and I'll show you why you should be more scared of ME  
  
**Theon:** Ahe he he he he  
  
**Theon:** I'm laughing on the outside but I'm actually very terrified right now  
  
**Theon:** SOMEONE FUCKING HELP ME **  
  
Margaery: **Right, let's all calm down  
  
**Bran:**  Jesus you're all so dramatic  
  
**Robb:** Do you guys remember your lines?  
  
**Arya:**  Robb this isn't a fucking play  
  
**Arya:** And as long as you don't fuck things up we'll be fine  
  
**Robb:** Shhh places everyone **  
  
****Robb:** Marg's gonna start her magic **  
**  
**Margaery:** You're damn right I am **  
  
****Robb:**  Aaaand action  
  
_**Margaery Tyrell invited Sansa Stark to the group chat  
  
Margaery Tyrell invited Jon Snow to the group chat**_  
  
**Margaery:** Hello, lovelies  
  
**Sansa:**  Hey  
  
**Sansa:** Do you guys need anything from me? **  
  
****Sansa:** I'm kind of busy preparing for my class tomorrow  
  
**Jon:**  Hi  
  
**Arya:** What, no pit bulls to examine as of this moment, Jon?  
  
**Jon:** No  
  
**Jon:** Though I'll be visiting this poor cat that's been doing nothing but puke his guts out this past week  
  
**Jon:** He may also have ringworms but I have to see to be sure  
  
**Bran:** Now now, let's not overshare  
  
**Jon:**  Sorry. Your sister asked  
  
**Robb:**  Jon.  
  
**Jon:**...Robb.  
  
**Theon:** What a heartfelt reunion, I feel like I would cry.  
  
**Jon:**  Shut up Theon  
  
**Robb:** So, uh. How's the eye  
  
**Jon:** It's getting better  
  
**Robb:**  Right. Sorry about the whole thing.   
  
**Robb:**  I mean. Obviously I was wrong  
  
**Robb:**  About you and Sansa  
  
**Jon:** Obviously  
  
**Sansa:** I still can't believe you even thought of that, Robb  
  
**Sansa:** The very idea's just odd  
  
**Jon:** I mean Sansa's... Sansa  
  
**Jon:** So  
  
**Sansa:** So?  
  
**Arya:** So?  
  
**Arya:** Oh wait I'm not a part of this yet  
  
**Jon:** I'm just saying it's you and... you know  
  
**Sansa:** No, I honestly don't know, Jon  
  
**Sansa:** I guess you just have to explain it to me  
  
**Jon:**  Or maybe I don't  
  
**Sansa:** Or maybe you don't.  
  
**Sansa:**  Whatever.  
  
**Margaery:** OKAY, so before either of you leave this chat group can I just tell you why I invited you both?  
  
**Margaery:** Hmm, no one's replying. Anyway  
  
**Margaery:** So apparently Dragonstone Den is reopening this weekend and everyone's invited to attend?  
  
**Margaery:** And after asking around, I found out that it's going to be a really fun sort of soiree  
  
**Margaery:** The kind of party you guys may WANT to bring a date to  
  
**Margaery:** So I'm thinking  
  
**Jon:**  No.  
  
**Margaery:** What? No?  
  
**Sansa:**  Seconding Jon's no. Only with more emphasis on the silent GOD, no.  
  
**Arya:**  What are you two talking about  
  
**Sansa:**  You're gonna tell us to go together, right?  
  
**Sansa:** Like as each other's date there?  
  
**Sansa:** Can't you guys backread our conversation or are you all just playing dumb  
  
**Sansa:** Obviously we both can't AND don't want to  
  
**Robb:**  Sansa  
  
**Sansa:**  What  
  
**Bran:**  Actually that's not at all what we're advocating?  
  
**Arya:**  Especially since Jon has a date already, stupid  
  
**Sansa:**  What?????  
  
**Jon:**  WHAT  
  
**Arya:** Yeah  
  
**Arya:** Aren't you going with Denenes Targaryen  
**  
****Bran:** Deadly Targaryen **  
  
****Arya:** Denny's Targaryen  
  
**Bran:** Dreary Targaryen  
  
**Arya:** Dysentery Targaryen  
  
**Bran:** That's disgusting, Arya **  
  
Arya: **lmao okay I win then  
  
**Sansa:** Who? **  
**  
**Jon:** Her name's Dany, Arya. Bran  
  
**Margaery:**  Actually it's Daenerys, and apparently she only asks people she actually likes to call her 'Dany'  
  
**Margaery:** I guess that makes you one of the lucky ones, Jon :)  
  
**Jon:**  What are you talking about  
  
**Theon:**  Don't bother denying it. There were ~definitely~ sparks between the two of you. I can tell  
  
**Theon:**  Since I have two eyes  
  
**Theon:** And I wasn't wearing a stupid eye patch while watching you flirt like......................... flirts  
  
**Sansa:** Daenerys Targaryen? That rich heiress everybody's been talking about?  
  
**Sansa:** She's here?  
  
**Arya:**  Aaaand she bought Dragonstone Den  
  
**Arya:** Hence the par-tay on Satur-day  
  
**Arya:** I'm so excited  
  
**Sansa:** You've met her, Jon?  
  
**Jon:** She's a client  
  
**Sansa:** Well obviously she's *more* than that since she already asked you to call her Dany **  
  
****Sansa:** And because apparently she's already your *date*  
  
**Sansa:** I can't believe you, Jon  
  
**Jon:** She just asked me to come over on Saturday because she has this thing, okay **  
**  
**Jon:** And I felt bad for her because she's new to the community so to be welcoming and friendly I told her sure, I'll go  
  
**Jon:** I didn't know it's going to be a big thing  
  
**Sansa:** Right, of course you didn't know  
  
**Sansa:** You don't know anything after all  
  
**Jon:** What's that supposed to mean?  
  
**Theon:**  So I guess this will be a VERY BAD time to ask you, Sansa, to go there with me right  
  
**Jon:** What  
  
**Sansa:** What?  
  
**Theon:**  I mean it's obvious you don't want to go. I don't want to go! So let's just not go together :)  
  
**Theon:** Let's just stay safe somewhere **  
  
****Theon:** Together, forever, never to part  
  
**Jon:** The fuck, Greyjoy???  
  
**Jon:** What the actual fuck are you saying right now  
  
**Theon:** Calm thy tits, Jonathan, I'm not asking YOU **  
  
****Jon:** Your bedroom's locked and there's no movement inside

 **Jon:** I checked  
  
**Jon:** Where are you **  
**  
**Robb:**  He's with us  
  
**Robb:**  Why are you asking?  
  
**Jon:**.......................Nothing, nevermind

 **Sansa:** Are you actually asking me to be your date, Theon?  
  
**Theon:** If that's how you interpret it then sure  
  
**Theon:**  I mean I'll be lucky to have you as my date ~my pretty~  
  
**Margaery:**  That's what we were pitching! For you to go with Theon  
  
**Arya:**  Especially since Jon's going with Doomsday Target anyway  
  
**Jon:**  DANY, Arya. Jesus  
  
**Jon:** This is okay with you, Robb?

 **Robb:** Why shouldn't it be  
  
**Jon:** You're telling me you're okay with Theon fucking Greyjoy going out with your sister  
  
**Jon:** When you fucking gave me a shiner when you thought I fancied her?  
  
**Robb:**  I was young and carefree back then, Jon  
  
**Jon:**  THAT WAS THREE FUCKING DAYS AGO  
  
**Robb:**  It's just one night  
  
**Robb:**  And Theon's relatively harmless  
  
**Robb:**  At least he knows what COULD happen if he so much as try something weird with Sansa  
  
**Theon:**  It's true, I *am* harmless  
  
**Theon:** So I'll appreciate it if threats of harming my harmless self FROM ALL DIRECTIONS will cease immediately  
  
**Theon:**  Especially from yours, Snow comma Jon  
  
**Theon:** I can feel you glowering at me AND I CAN'T EVEN SEE YOU  
  
**Arya:**  Come on, Sansa. Say yes to Theon  
  
**Arya:**  It'll be worth it, I promise  
  
**Jon:** I can't believe this  
  
**Jon:** Tell me you're not going with Theon  
  
**Jon:**  Sansa?  
  
**Sansa:**  Why not?  
  
**Sansa:** As of this moment I'm feeling very *friendly* and *welcoming* towards him so sure, Theon, I'll go with you  
  
**Theon:** You're not going to regret this, Sansa  
  
**Theon:**  I might but you? You definitely won't :)  
  
**Sansa:** Great! So it's settled.  
  
**Sansa:** Now if you'll excuse me, I still have a lesson plan to prepare  
  
_**Sansa Stark left the group chat  
  
**_**Arya:** Awesome  
  
**Margaery:**  I know, right? It's going to be a blast  
  
**Jon:**  I can't believe this  
  
**Bran:**  You can stop repeating yourself, Jon, it's getting a bit embarrassing   
  
**Jon:** Theon Greyjoy   
  
**Jon:** you're a dead man, you hear me?  
  
**Jon:** DEAD  
_**  
Jon Snow left the group chat**_

 **Theon:** So

 **Theon:**  DO YOU GUYS SEE THE LEVEL OF BULLSHIT I HAVE TO PUT WITH BECAUSE OF THIS PLAN  
  
**Margaery:**  Nothing bad's gonna happen to you, sweetling. Robb won't allow it  
  
**Margaery:** Right, love?  
  
**Robb:** Sure.

 **Robb:** Whatever  
  
**Theon:** That's... not very comforting to hear???  
  
**Arya:**  I mean if you die then you'll die knowing it's for the greater good or some shit, idk  
  
**Theon:** How can it be for the greater good when I'm not even the one getting laid?????  
  
**Bran:**  They can always plan for you next, Theon  
  
**Bran:**  Though that will solely depend on you surviving Jon on Saturday  
  
**Theon:** IF I DIE I'M TAKING YOU ALL WITH ME  
  
**Theon:** Shit  
  
**Theon:**  Maybe I should just get insurance after all


	6. Chapter 6

**Margaery:**  I must say, everyone looks a vision tonight  
  
**Arya:**  Are we all supposed to pretend you didn't sponsor our clothes or  
  
**Margaery:**  Technically, I didn't  
  
**Margaery:**  Loras did  
  
**Margaery:** He wishes me to inform you that he hopes you enjoyed his little treat   
  
**Margaery:** And that he hopes that with his gifts he can be part of Jon and Sansa finally Big Banging it together :)  
  
**Robb:**  I'll just... pretend I didn't read that last part  
  
**Bran:** Then you'll finally be able to practice your acting profession, after all these years

 **Bran:** You must be so proud  
  
**Robb:**  I'll pretend I didn't read that part too  
  
**Theon:** It's like I'm wrapped in a cloud made of dreams  
  
**Theon:** Is this what rich people feel like  
  
**Theon:** Like I'm supposed to be waited on hand and foot??? Where are my slaves???   
  
**Theon:** Why I ought to whip someone for this indecency how dare you make me think for myself  
  
**Bran:**  Enjoy your last night on earth while it lasts, Theon

 **Bran:** See you on the other side  
  
**Theon:**  Robb  
  
**Theon:**  Robb do I get your permission to cuss at your brother OUT LOUD  
  
**Theon:** Robb pls  
  
**Robb:** Tempting, but **  
  
****Robb:** No  
  
**Theon:**  Well then fuck YOU, Robb  
  
**Theon:** But Marg, we get to keep the clothes right  
  
**Margaery:**  Of course :)  
  
**Theon:** ~awesome~  
  
**Arya:**  Wait does Jon get new clothes too?  
  
**Margaery:**  Yes. I had them delivered this morning  
  
**Margaery:** And you'll all be glad to know it's a snug fit where it counts  
  
**Margaery:** Meaning his ass is prominently displayed for everyone's enjoyment  
**  
Theon:**  JESUS CHRIST  
  
**Theon:**  Now I have to see for myself if it's actually true  
  
**Theon:** Why do I feel like I'll be disappointed if it's not???   
  
**Theon:** WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME  
  
**Margaery:** You're welcome :)  
  
**Margaery:** But fret not, Jon DOES have a fantastic set of buns so you definitely won't be disappointed  
  
**Theon:** That's good **  
  
****Theon:** I MEAN I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK **  
  
****Theon:** SHIT  
  
**Robb:**  Marg please stop talking about another man's ass   
  
**Robb:** and confusing poor Theon in the process  
  
**Robb:** Especially since I'm literally in front of you right now??? **  
  
Robb: **It's really not at all proper  
  
**Margaery:**  I'm speaking quite objectively, of course  
  
**Margaery:** Andobjectively speaking, your ass is juuust a step below Jon's, darling **  
  
****Margaery:** I mean it's not bad, by all means. But, you know  
  
**Margaery:** objectively speaking  
  
**Margaery:**...guys I think your brother's having a stroke  
  
**Robb:**  I FIND THIS STATEMENT HIGHLY OFFENSIVE AND I WISH TO CHALLENGE IT  
  
**Robb:** BRING JON'S ASS TO ME  
  
**Robb:** THEN WE'LL SEE WHICH IS ~CLEARLY~ THE SUPERIOR ONE  
  
**Arya:**  lmao I'm sorry Robb but Gendry's ass trumps all of yours ANY DAY OF THE FUCKING WEEK  
  
**Arya:** He's got an ass that won't quit  
  
**Arya:** And I should know  
  
**Robb:**  JESUS STOP   
  
**Margaery:** Ooh, his IS definitely tight, all right  
  
**Margaery:** Loras made sure everyone will also know it by tonight. You're welcome.  
  
**Robb:**  FUCKING **  
  
Robb:** CHRIST  
  
**Robb:** YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT  
  
**Arya:** EXCUSE YOU I OWN THAT ASS???? **  
  
****Arya:** I CATCH ANYONE STARING AT IT AND I'LL MURDER THEM IN BROAD DAYLIGHT  
  
**Arya:** THAT INCLUDES YOU, TYRELL  
  
**Margaery:** Fiiine :(  
  
**Theon:** Aww **  
  
Theon:** If that isn't love, Arya, then I don't know what is  
  
**Arya:** STFU GO BACK TO LONGING FOR JON'S ASS GREYJOY  
  
**Bran:**  Guys  
  
**Bran:** I'm sorry but  
  
**Bran:**  CAN YOU ALL STOP TALKING ABOUT ASSES OF PEOPLE I ACTUALLY KNOW  
  
**Bran:** AND FUCKING FOCUS ON WHY WE'RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE???  
  
**Robb:**  PREACH, MY BROTHER  
  
**Robb:**  THANK YOU FOR SAYING IT SO I DON'T HAVE TO  
  
**Margaery:** Sorry Bran  
  
**Margaery:**  One of these days I'll find you someone with an ass you can obsess about, don't you worry my darling smol beanstalk  
  
**Arya:**  cough MEERA REED cough  
  
**Margaery:**...ooh interesting choice  
  
**Bran:** SHUT UP ARYA I'LL DESTROY YOU I SWEAR TO GOD  
  
**Arya:** Aw so cute  
  
**Arya:** It's like seeing a kitten roaring  
  
**Arya:** You know it's stupid for trying but it's still cute anyway  
  
**Bran:** GOD ARYA PLEASE **  
  
Robb: **Hey uh **  
  
****Robb:** Is it just me or is Sansa wearing a corsage?  
  
**Theon** **:** Oh yeah  
  
**Theon:**  I bought her one  
  
**Arya:**  Theon what the actual fuck  
  
**Arya:**  This is not prom???  
  
**Arya:**  You're not in high school???  
  
**Theon:** What??? I wanted to give her something and a bouquet isn't really at all appropriate.   
  
**Theon:** Also flowers are expensive as fuuuck and it's not like I'm going to get reimbursements from any of you  
  
**Theon:**  Also also Rickon said she likes it SO  
  
**Arya:** "Rickon said" **  
  
****Arya:** You just literally took advice from an actual teenager on this????  
  
**Theon:** YOU'LL NOT MAKE ME REGRET MY DECISIONS, STARK COMMA ARYA  
  
**Theon:**  RICKON'S THE ONLY GOOD STARK AMONG ALL OF YOU  
  
**Theon:** I'LL GLADLY DIE FOR RICKON  
  
**Theon:** Also let's all just agree that Sansa looks so smashing hot I can give her a fern on a stick and she'll somehow make it look good  
  
**Margaery:**  Amen  
  
**Theon:** btw can I keep her if this whole thing with Jon does not pan out????  
**  
****Robb:** First of all my sister is not a pet?  
  
**Robb:** Second of all I gave Jon The Mother of All Shiners so it'll be fair if I give you one too  
  
**Robb:** If you so much as look at Sansa weird  
  
**Robb:** Or maybe two since I'm feeling generous  
  
**Margaery:** Also you really think Jon's gonna let her walk away from him while she's wearing that dress? **  
  
****Margaery:** You sweet summer child  
  
**Margaery:** It's gonna end up on Jon's floor tonight, mark my words  
  
**Robb:**  ...Can we not  
  
**Theon:** Okay ~fine~  
  
**Theon:** It was just a suggestion **  
  
****Theon:** Anyway where are you guys??? I literally have no idea who these fucks in this party are  
  
**Theon:** Sansa said she doesn't know anyone here either  
  
**Robb:**  Marg and I are at the open bar  
  
**Robb:** I HAVE MY EYE ON YOU THEON KEEP YOUR HANDS UP WHERE I CAN SEE THEM STOP TRYING TO TOUCH MY SISTER  
  
**Theon:** I AM NOT HOW DARE YOU I'M THE EPITOME OF A PERFECT GENTLEMAN TONIGHT  
  
**Margaery:** You do look dashing tonight, Theon  
  
**Theon:** Thank you!!!!!  
  
**Theon:** Wait you mean that, right  
  
**Arya:** Gendry, Bran, and I will follow shortly  
  
**Bran:**  Catching Pokemons, Gendry is, meantime that that party's not yet starting  
  
**Arya:**  GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL  
  
**Arya:** This is actually a fun game tho  
  
**Arya:** Don't quote me on that  
  
**Bran:**  Has anyone seen Jon or Delirium Tremens? I've been wondering  
  
**Robb:**  Who?  
  
**Arya:**  God, Robb, keep up  
  
**Margaery:** No on both counts but I'm sure she's around here   
  
**Theon:** Oooh you three are out there?  
  
**Theon:** Catch me a Bulbasaur, guys **  
  
****Margaery:** Stop texting, Theon, and start giving your undivided attention to Sansa  
  
**Theon:** I can't help it I feel really uncomfortable  
  
**Margaery:** Is it because of the suit?  
  
**Theon:** No it's perfection itself   
  
**Theon:** But I feel hot and it's not at all hot???  
  
**Theon:**  Are you guys hot?  
  
**Robb:** It's actually quite cold tho  
  
**Theon:** I just want to take my jacket off or something  
  
**Margaery:** Oooh I think I know why your spider senses are tingling  
  
**R** **obb:** Don't look behind you but Jon's just entered the Den  
  
**Robb** **:** And he... really doesn't look happy  
  
**Robb** **:** Especially since he's already saw you and Sansa   
  
**Robb** **:** He's actually looking at you two. Intently.  
  
**Theon:**........................................................................................................EEP  
  
**Robb** **:** For the record tho, his pants? Really ill-fitting **  
  
****Robb** **:** I win  
  
**Margaery:** Aww and isn't this ~interesting~ **  
  
****Margaery:** Just as soon as Jon enters the picture,Dystrophia Myotonica does, too  
  
**Robb:**  Who?????  
  
**Margaery:** Oh my god I have that exact gown in my closet  
  
**Margaery:** GRANDMOTHERTOLD ME IT WAS ONE OF A KIND  
  
**Theon:** So uh Sansa DOES NOT LOOK AT ALL HAPPY????  
  
**Margaery:** THAT MAKES TWO OF US GODDAMNIT  
  
**Theon:**  WHAT DO I DO  
  
**Robb** **:** Where is Jon going?  
  
**Robb** **:** OH SHIT HE'S GOING TO YOU, THEON  
  
**Theon:** MOTHERFUCKER  
  
**Robb** **:** RUN  
  
**Margaery:** Aaaaand Dermatofibroma intercepts him  
  
**Theon:** GOOD **  
  
****Theon:** NO WAIT SANSA LOOKS READY TO COMMIT MURDER I'M SCARED SHE LOOKS FRIGHTENING???  
  
**Theon:**  I'd be turned on if I wasn't LITERALLY CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE  
  
**Theon:**  WHAT DO I DO  
  
**Margaery:** Ask her to dance  
  
**Theon:**  But I don't dance????  
  
**Arya:**  Oh shit Bran we're missing the show let's catch all THAT instead  
  
**Bran:**  FUCK BULBASAUR THEN


	7. Chapter 7

**Arya:**  Okay so we're here now  
  
**Arya:** WHAT THE FUCK DID WE MISS  
  
**Robb:**  Oh, nothing  
  
**Robb:**  Just Theon flailing around like an idiot on the dance floor, that's all   
  
**Robb:** You're better off missing it, actually  
  
**Robb:** If anyone asks let's all pretend we don't know him  
  
**Margaery:**  Now, now Robb, be nice. Theon DID say he doesn't know how to dance  
  
**Margaery:** It was just a ploy to get out of Jon's line of sight, after all  
  
**Bran:**  God, look at Theon  
  
**Bran:**  Or actually no, DON'T look at Theon  
  
**Bran:** I didn't know my opinion of him can sink any lower, yet here we are I guess  
  
**Arya:**  Okay, so clearly Sansa is trying *so hard* to have fun out there?  
  
**Arya:** Although it looks like it'll be kinder to just shoot her out of her misery?  
  
**Arya:** Where the fuck is Jon anyway?  
  
**Margaery:** Dentophobia pulled him to the side earlier and hasn't let go of him yet  
  
**Arya:** What the fuck?  
  
**Arya:**  I'm gonna kill that woman  
  
**Robb:**  Ohhhh I get it now  
  
**Robb:** You guys were talking about Daenerys Targaryen all along?  
  
**Bran:**...Bruh  
  
**Margaery:** Good thing you're really pretty, darling :)  
  
**Margaery:** And that I love you :)  
  
**Robb:** Why?  
  
**Margaery:**............................................nvm  
  
**Arya:**  You know what, fuck this I'm dragging Gendry to the dance floor   
  
**Arya:** Sansa is in need of desperate rescuing  
  
**Arya:** She deserves better than Theon fucking NoJoy  
  
**Robb:**  I'll get you, Bran. You're better sitting with us anyway. Where are you right now?  
  
**Bran:** Near the door. Do both of you have a clear view of Jon from where you're seated?  
  
**Margaery:** Yep. They're still talking  
  
**Margaery:** Hmm **  
  
Margaery: **Is it just me, or does Jon look so stressed right now?  
  
**Margaery:** I mean I understand it's his default expression  **  
  
****Margaery:** But something about the way they're talking is kinda... I don't know. Off?  
  
**Margaery:** I wonder if any of us should get him off her clutches  
  
**Theon:** Okay, so. Dancing? **  
  
****Theon:** I'M NOT DOING THAT AGAIN. FUCK  
  
**Theon:**  AND NONE OF YOU CAN MAKE ME  
  
**Theon:**  At this point I'd *welcome* Jon trying to murder me than do that rhythmic musicking shit  
  
**Margaery:** Theon, darling! You looked like you had a blast out there  
  
**Theon:** I think you're being ironic right now Marg, and I'll have you know it's really hurting my feelings  
  
**Margaery:** Oh no, I *wouldn't* dare  
  
**Theon:** Where's Jon? Was I effective in deflecting him?  
  
**Bran:**  Well, you deflected him all right  
  
**Bran:**  Plus you deflected pretty much every single person in this place  
  
**Bran:** So..... yes, you were pretty effective  
  
**Bran:** In being deflective  
  
**Bran:** Congrats, you were amazing  
  
**Theon:** I have two words for you, Bran **  
  
****Theon:** Meera. Reed.  
  
**Theon:** Guess who just backread up to that moment, Fourth Stark???  
  
**Bran:**  I have no idea what you're talking about  
**  
****Bran:** Anyway looks like Sansa is finally having fun with Arya  
  
**Theon:** LMAO GUESS WHO'S BEING DEFLECTIVE NOW BRUH **  
**  
**Robb:**  Where's Gendry?  
  
**Theon:**  Come on, Bran, say something  
  
**Robb:**  The three of them are supposed to be together, right?  
  
**Theon:** I finally have ammo against you!!!!  
  
**Gendry:**  Sup  
  
**Robb:**  Gendry???  
  
**Theon:** HOLY SHIT  
  
**Theon:** WERE YOU IN THE GROUP CHAT ALL ALONG, BARATHEON?  
  
**Gendry:** Phone got fixed this afternoon, so.   
  
**Gendry:** Idon't know why Arya wanted me to know this thing you're doing with Jon and Sansa tonight  
  
**Margaery:**  Hello, Gendry  
  
**Margaery:** Why aren't you out there with the girls?  
  
**Gendry:** I don't really dance  
  
**Gendry:**  And my pants are. I don't know, super tight I guess  
  
**Gendry:** I mean I'm not complaining. But it IS a bit tight around the ass  
  
**Margaery:** I bet Arya likes it, doesn't she?  
  
**Gendry:** Yes?  
  
**Gendry:** In fact it's like she couldn't keep her hands off of me all night  
  
**Gendry:** Like I said, I'm not really complaining  
  
**Margaery:** You're welcome :)  
  
**Robb:**  THAT IS MY SISTER, BARATHEON  
  
**Robb:**  AND YOU ARE TO KEEP A RESPECTABLE DISTANCE FROM HER AT ALL TIMES OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL WRING YOUR NECK  
  
**Gendry:**...right, of course  
  
**Gendry:** I mean no disrespect  
  
**Robb:**  You better not  
  
**Bran:**  Can't believe that shtick worked on *someone*, Robb  
  
**Bran:** Congrats  
  
**Robb:**  Hey Theon, what's this about MEERA REED you were talking about?  
  
**Theon:** I'm glad you asked, First Stark  
  
**Theon:** I'm afraid I have little information about MEERA REED as of the moment, but let me contact my contacts and I'll definitely have more information about MEERA REED come the morrow  
  
**Gendry:**  She works at our bar on weekends, if that helps  
  
**Theon:**  OOOOooooHHHHHHhhhh interesting  
  
**Robb:**  I didn't know you have a thing for older women, little brother  
  
**Theon:**  ~the more you know~ **  
  
Bran: **You three better sleep with one eye open :)  
  
**Robb:** I know it's a joke, but just in case, Margaery will be there to protect me SO  
  
**Gendry:**  What did I do to you, Bran?  
  
**Theon:**  EEEP  
  
**Bran:** :) **  
  
Margaery: **Okay so Diabetes Insipidus just left Jon and is now heading to the stage?  
  
**Margaery:** Oh she's going to make a speech  
  
**Margaery:** Ugh I bet it's going to be so boring and self-congratulating  
**  
Theon:**  Fuck I have to pee  
  
**Bran:**  Gendry make sure Arya's not going to do something stupid when Distomatosis goes up there?  
  
**Bran:** Although at this point it's a toss-up between her and Sansa  
  
**Gendry:** Right, on it  
  
**Robb:**  We're still talking about Daenerys, right  
  
**Bran:**  bruh  
  
**Robb:** Just checking  
  
**Theon:**  Okay so I'm not sure any of you have tried the comfort room but it's AMAZING, THEY HAVE TONS OF FREEBIES IN THERE  
  
**Theon:** I hope they won't frisk me on the way out here because I may have helped myself to some things  
  
**Theon:** and by some things I meant ALL THE THINGS  
  
  
  
**Theon:**...guys  
  
**Theon:** The chat has been silent for ten minutes I'm freaking out WHAT'S GOING ON  
  
**Robb:** WHAT THE FUCK  
  
**Robb:**  JON IS A TARGARYEN?  
  
**Robb:** Did you know this, Theon?  
  
**Theon:** Uh **  
  
****Theon:** NO??? **  
  
****Theon:** What the fuck makes you think I do?  
  
**Theon:** Also WHAT? **  
  
****Theon:**  JON IS A TARGARYEN?  
  
**Margaery:** Apparently Daenerys is his aunt? And she knew about him, which is why she sought him out in the first place?  
  
**Bran:**  And that's why Daenerys is HERE out of all the places in the entire world she could have been in  
  
**Bran:** This is amazing  
  
**Arya:**  WHAT THE FUCK   
  
**Arya:** Are we supposed to know Jon's adopted or are we supposed to just hear it during this freaking party?  
  
**Arya:** ROBB  
  
**Robb:** I never asked him about it, okay **  
  
****Robb:** I mean it's not a requirement to being a friend of ours anyhow. It wasn't important  
  
**Theon:** How the fuck is Jon fucking Snow a fucking Targaryen???  
  
**Margaery:** Daenerys didn't mention it  
  
**Margaery:** Just said something about finding the nephew she's been searching for, for so long  
  
**Arya:** It's a shitty thing to do, tho, announcing it to everyone like that  
  
**Margaery:** Oh my goodness! Maybe she mentioned it to him *before* she headed up to the stage?   
  
**Margaery:** No wonder Jon looks so upset **  
  
Arya: **No wonder he fucking walked out of the place, you mean  
  
**Margaery:** Well yes, obviously  
  
**Theon:** Does this mean she's not trying to, you know **  
  
****Theon:** Date him?  
  
**Bran:**  Lord I hope not  
  
**Theon:**...............huh  
  
**Gendry:**  Hey, uh  
  
**Gendry:** Do you guys know where Sansa went?  
  
**Arya** **:**  Wait what what do you mean????  
  
**Bran:**  ?????????????????  
  
**Robb:** FUCK  
**  
****Robb:** WHERE IS MY SISTER????


	8. Chapter 8

**Theon:**  Soooooo out of curiosity, does anyone here know whether or not Daenerys is married and/or has children and/or has preexisting heirs already?  
  
**Theon:** Asking for no one except maybe Jon  
  
**Robb:**  WHO CARES? I NEED TO FIND MY SISTER RIGHT AWAY  
  
**Robb:** @SANSA STARK **  
  
****Robb:** @SANSA STARK **  
  
****Robb:** @SANSA STARK  
  
**Robb:** YOU BETTER ANSWER YOUR PHONE OR I SWEAR TO GOD YOU'LL LIVE TO REGRET IGNORING ME  
  
**Margaery:** Sweetling, if she's not answering her phone, then why'd you think she'll answer you in the chat group of all places?  
  
**Robb:**.........fair point  
  
**Theon:** But, like, do we even *know* how many ancient properties the Targaryen clan has amassed and how much each costs in today's dollars?  
  
**Theon:** AGAIN, asking for no one except maybe Jon  
  
**Bran:**  ...Theon  
  
**Theon:** WHATTTT? Someone should ask all these hard questions aloud! It's like you all don't even care about our poor Jon Snow???  
  
**Theon:** YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS  
  
**Margaery:**  ?  
  
**Theon:** AND LADIES  
  
**Theon:** As you can see, I'm very inclusive **  
****  
Theon:** Hey, let's play a game! Who here wants to bet just how much Jon's net worth has skyrocketed in the past hour???  
  
**Theon:** I'll go first! I bet he's worth a bajillion dollars by now **  
  
****Theon:** I KNEW there was a reason I liked him the best out of everyone, EVER, especially as compared to all you sad fucks  
  
**Theon:** JON IS THE BEST AND I'M THRILLED TO CALL MYSELF HIS BEST FRIEND  
  
**Bran:** DUDE ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BANKING ON JON BEING DAENERYS'S HEIR ALREADY????  
  
**Theon:** How dare you speak about me that way! What, do you think I look at Jon now and see money? Do you think I look at him and NOT see the face of god?  
  
**Bran:**  Soooooooo you won't mind telling us where this best friend of yours have gone?  
  
**Theon:** How the fuck would I know?  
  
**Bran:** JESUS  
**  
Margaery:**  It's like out of a fairy tale, though, what happened to Jon tonight  
  
**Margaery:** I mean he's not exactly... well off, right?  
  
**Theon:**  Dude inhales noodles when moolah's tight. Which is often because being a vet's not really a profitable venture anyway?  
  
**Theon:**   So yeah, I'd say becoming a beautiful billionaire's ~heir~ is bound to be ~mind-blowing~ and ~life-changing~  
  
**Robb:**  She's still not answering her phone, goddamnit  
  
**Robb:**  I am THIS CLOSE to telling Mom and Dad  
  
**Margaery:**  Now now, let's not get them involved yet, darling. **  
  
Bran:  **Hey, so, out of the blue question but does anyone else notice that BOTH Jon and Sansa are missing?  
  
**Bran:** And that maybe, just MAYBE, Sansa went after Jon and we all didn't notice?  
  
**Theon:** PSHW, WE'RE NOT THAT DUMB  
  
**Bran:** Something I'll say about all my siblings, Theon. And Margaery.  
  
**Bran:** And Gendry.  
  
**Bran:** And everyone ever except Greyjoys with names beginning with 'Theo' **  
  
****Theon:** HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**Margaery:** I think you're right, Bran. I just tried calling Jon and he's not answering, too.  
  
**Margaery:**  But maybe that means they haven't left this place yet?  
  
**Robb:** @Arya Stark **  
  
****Robb:** @Gendry Whatevs  
  
**Robb:** I need your status reports WHERE ARE YOU TWO NOW  
  
**Theon:** lmao knowing those two they're probably making out  
  
**Arya:** FUCK YOU, NOJOY **  
  
****Gendry:**  To be fair though, he was right  
  
**Arya:** THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW THAT JESUS!!!  **  
  
****Robb:** ARYA  
  
**Arya:**  IT'S MARG'S FAULT, OKAY, HIS PANTS ARE MAKING ME GO CRAZY  
  
**Margaery:** You're welcome :D  
  
**Robb:** DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SEE SANSA, ARYA, FOR FUCK'S SAKE  
  
**Gendry:** We did  
  
**Gendry:** She's with Jon  
  
**Bran:** VINDICATIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN  
  
**Bran:** captainraymondholt.gif  
  
**Robb:** What are they doing?  
  
**Arya:** Talking  
  
**Arya:** I mean Jon looks pretty upset  
  
**Theon:**  I would probably be, too, if I'd just learned I won the Targaryen lottery??  
  
**Margaery:** Theon, sweetie, have you ever considered that maybe Jon isn't looking at this positively?  
  
**Margaery:** That maybe he's looking at what he's lost, not what he's gained?  
  
**Theon:** LMAO how is that even possible  
  
**Margaery:** Forget it, I don't know why I even asked you in the first place  
  
**Sansa:** Hey guys   
  
**Robb:** Thank fuck you answered, finally!  
  
**Margaery:**  How's Jon?  
  
**Sansa:** Honestly? Not okay.  
  
**Sansa:** Sorry, Robb. I went after him when Daenerys did this whole... thing. Which he hated, by the way.  
  
**Bran:** Understandable  
  
**Bran:**  Announcing his new identity before he has a chance to accept it? Totally not cool. **  
  
Sansa: **Yeah **  
  
****Sansa:** Do you guys mind if Jon stays with us?  
  
**Sansa:** I think he needs to be with family tonight  
  
**Robb:** Of course, whatever he needs. I'll go talk to him.  
  
**Sansa:** Thanks. We're at the west wing, near the gates  
  
**Margaery:** He can have the guest room, I'll have it prepared.  
  
**Theon:**  But??? That's where I'm staying???  
  
**Arya:** Go home, Theon, Jesus. It's not like YOU'RE the one having an identity crisis  
  
**Theon:**...........................  
  
**Theon:** all right FINE  
  
**Theon:** But only because I'm considerate as fuck and Snow dash Targaryen comma Jon is my best friend in the entire world and I love him with all my heart and his net worth has absolutely nothing to do with my newfound respect and admiration for him.  
**  
Bran:**  Sooooooo when is his birthday, again?  
  
**Theon:**...........................  
  
**Theon:**  FUCK YOU FOURTH STARK


	9. Chapter 9

**Theon:** PSST **  
  
Theon:**  Jon  
  
 **Theon:**  Jon Snow  
  
 **Theon:**  Snow comma Jon  
  
 **Theon** : Jon of House Snow slash Targaryen, fifteen hundredth of his name  
  
 **Theon** : Dude come on I really just want to know how you are? I've been worried sick! S I C K !!!!  
  
 **Theon** : FINE, IGNORE ME THEN  
  
 **Theon** : I can always chat up the Starks and ask them how you've been doing, or WHAT you've been doing, mayhap even WHO you're doing, IFYOUKNOWWHATIMEAN  
  
 **Theon** : aside from purposely ignoring the deep and everlasting concern of your best friend, I, Theon Greyjoy, first of his goddamned name  
  
 **Theon** : FINE I GUESS I'LL JUST *HAVE* TO SET UP A COFFEE DATE WITH THE DELECTABLE SECOND STARK THEN  
  
 **Theon** : I HOPE SHE LIKES HONEY BECAUSE I PLAN TO BE ~SLURPED~ LIKE ONE  
  
 **Jon:**  The fuck, Theon????  
  
 **Theon** : good lord thank fuck you're as predictable as EVER lmao  
  
 **Theon** : One mention of Sansa's name and surprise surprise, YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION  
  
 **Jon:** fuck off I'm not in the mood  
  
 **Theon** : when were you EVER THO  
  
 **Theon** : Although now that you're replying finafuckingly, I need to ask you a question  
  
 **Theon** : You remember your aunt, right? Blonde, big braids, big need for attention apparently?  
  
 **Jon:** Get to the point  
  
 **Theon** : Well she's been dropping by our place. A LOOOOT. She wants to speak with you, my dude.  
  
 **Theon** : So of course being the considerate ~friend~ that I am, I told her that you were out fishing the first day she came by  
  
 **Jon:** what **  
  
Theon** : Next I told her you were out camping. Communing with the stars, poetic shit like that, and that it'll take you WEEKS to do ONE CONSTELLATION SHIFT, SINCE THE MOON IS IN RETROGRADE AROUND SATURN  
  
 **Theon** : At this point you probably realize I know shit about camping, so  
  
 **Theon** : Then I told her you were, like. Rock climbing? idk man. Vertical Limit-ing yourself. Minus the snow-covered mountains and the atomic bombs    
  
 **Jon:**....what **  
  
Theon** : POINT IS I THINK SHE'S ONTO THE FACT THAT I'M LYING TO COVER UP WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE  
  
 **Jon:** You suck at lying  
  
 **Jon:** OF COURSE SHE'LL KNOW **  
  
** **Theon:** It's true, I *do* suck at lying   
  
 **Theon:** AND YET I TRY BECAUSE OF YOUUUU  
  
 **Jon:** fuck  
  
 **Jon:** Why don't you just tell her I do NOT want to see her at all?  
  
 **Theon** : In front of her pitbulls? DO YOU REALLY HAVE A DEATH WISH FOR MOI? MY GORGEOUS FACE EATEN OFF BY PITS WHILE BELLS RING AND SHE LAUGHS ~MANIACALLY~???   
  
 **Theon** : Also also I DIDN'T KNOW, OKAY  
  
 **Theon** : Not like you talk to me, Jon  
  
 **Jon:** Sorry  
  
 **Theon** : Look, I get it, man  
  
 **Theon** : But maybe don't shut us out?  
  
 **Theon** : GODDAMNIT JON SNOW WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY YOU'RE FUCKING IGNORING ME AGAIN  
  
 ** _Theon Greyjoy added Robb Stark to the group chat  
_**  
 **Robb:**  This better be quick, I have a dress rehearsal soon  
  
 **Theon:**  Robb I need a good lie to cover Jon's ass  
  
 **Robb:**  A what?  
  
 **Jon:**  For Dany, he means  
  
 **Robb:** Again with the what?  
  
 **Robb:** Theon, you SUCK at lying  
  
 **Theon:**  That's true, I do  
  
 ** _Robb Stark added Margaery Tyrell to the group chat  
  
_ Margaery: **Hello, boys  
  
 **Robb:** Marg, sweetie, sorry to add you like this but they need help and I can't help them right now  
  
 **Margaery:** Dress rehearsal, right? **  
  
** **Margaery:**  Break a leg, darling **  
  
** **Margaery:** When you come home there may or may not be a ~surprise~ waiting for you  
  
 **Margaery:** I have a feeling you'll definitely like it :) **  
  
Robb:**.......uh **  
  
** **Robb:** SHIT I FORGOT MY LINES FUCK  
 _  
 **Robb Stark left the group chat**_ **  
**  
 **Theon:**  STOP SEXTING IN FRONT OF US FOR FUCK'S SAKE  
  
 **Theon:**  HAVE PITY ON US, THE CURRENTLY SEXLESS  
  
 **Margaery:** Sweetling, you don't even know half of it :)  
  
 **Theon:**  AT THIS POINT I'M GLAD NOT TO  
  
 **Margaery:** Now what can I do to help you?  
  
 **Theon:** Jon's hot aunt is ~hounding~ me about his whereabouts  
  
 **Theon:** Get it? Get it? Because dogs? *Hound*?  
  
 **Margaery:** Theon it's not fun when you have to explain the pun :(  
  
 **Theon:**.....................fine   
  
 **Theon:** but yeah   
  
 **Theon:** I need something believable to tell her the next time she asks for Jon  
  
 **Margaery:** Jon, sweetling, don't you want to talk to Daenerys?  
  
 **Margaery:** I mean, it has been a week since that night  
  
 **Margaery:** I'm not rushing you or anything, but maybe it'll be better if you guys just. Talk again  
  
 **Jon:** No. I'd really rather not see her again, to be honest  
 ** _  
Theon Greyjoy added Sansa Stark to the group chat  
  
_** **Theon:**  Sorry, my hand slipped **  
  
** **Theon:** OR DID IT _  
_ ** _  
_Sansa:** hi?  
  
 **Jon:** Sansa  
  
 **Sansa:** Jon, hello  
  
 **Sansa:** Are you okay? Do you want something to eat?  
  
 **Sansa:** I can whip you up something in the kitchen, if you want?  
  
 **Jon:** NO  
  
 **Jon:** I mean  
  
 **Jon:** I'm good, thanks  
  
 **Jon:** I mean you're probably busy. Lesson plans, right?  
  
 **Sansa:**  Yeah, sorry about that  
  
 **Sansa:** I'm just in my room if you need me though?  
  
 **Jon:** Thanks. That's.... thanks  
  
 **Sansa:** :D  
  
 **Theon:**  *EHEM*  
  
 **Margaery:**  Sorry, darlings  
  
 **Margaery:** Theon gets personally offended when people sext with him present  
  
 **Jon:** I'm... not even touching that  
  
 **Theon:**  TITLE OF YOUR SEX TAPE  
  
 **Theon:**  detectivejakeperalta.gif  
  
 **Sansa:** Look, guys, I'd love to stay and chat but I really have to prepare for my class tomorrow, so  
  
 **Theon:** Don't leave yet, SANNZAAAAHHHH  
  
 **Theon:**  Look, okay, like I told Robb and Marg before you, I need a convincing lie to explain why Jon isn't hanging around in our apartment anymore, all right?  
  
 **Theon:** I need it because Daenerys Targaryen's been visiting our place lately and she's trying to sniff out Jon through me  
  
 **Theon:** I'll be offended except I'm too scared because her pits are REALLY fucking huge **  
  
Sansa:** Just tell her to fuck off  
  
 **Margaery:** Language, Teacher Stark  
  
 **Sansa:** Sorry  
  
 **Sansa:** It's just  
  
 **Sansa:** She's rubbing me the wrong way  
  
 **Theon:**  TITLE OF *YOUR* SEX TAPE  
  
 **Jon:** Theon so help me, if you don't STFU  
  
 **Theon:** Sure, man. Soon as you tell me what I should tell your aunt so she can actually fuck the fuck off  
  
 **Margaery:** How about you tell her he took time off elsewhere?  
  
 **Margaery:** I mean it's technically true.  **  
  
** **Margaery:** You suck at lying, Theon. Anything but half-truths from you and she'll know you're not telling her what she wants to hear  
  
 **Margaery:** Tell her he went to like. Japan  
  
 **Margaery:** Or Rome. Rome is lovely this time of year  
  
 **Jon:** She won't fall for that. She already had me investigated. She KNOWS I can't afford traveling to another country right now.  
  
 **Theon:**  ....The fuck, man?  
  
 **Margaery:** Isn't that an invasion of privacy?  
  
 **Jon:**  Apparently us Targaryens don't care about that sort of thing  
  
 **Sansa:** Jon, we talked about this  
  
 **Sansa:** She can't make you do what you don't want to do  
  
 **Sansa:**  She can't force you to be who you don't want to be  
  
 **Margaery:** Listen to her, Jon.  
  
 **Margaery:** I'm sure you know what you have to do.  
  
 **Margaery:** Ignoring the problem isn't really going to help, you know?  
  
 **Sansa:**  And we're here for you, so.  
  
 **Sansa:**  You're not alone.  
  
 **Theon:** RIGHT   
  
 **Theon:** SO   
  
 **Theon:** I'D HATE TO BREAK UP THIS TENDER MOMENT BUT UH  
  
 **Theon:**  HER CAR JUST DROVE BY  
  
 **Theon:** I NEED TO TELL HER SOMETHING, STAT  
  
 **Margaery:** Maybe just don't come out and face her?  
  
 **Theon:** AND HAVE HER DOGS TEAR OUR FRONT DOOR TO SHREDS?  
  
 **Jon:** Tell her I died  
  
 **Theon:** HA HA HA THAT'S SO FUNNY I JUST MIGHT DIE  
  
 **Theon:** Quick she's coming, shiiiiiiit  
  
 **Sansa:** Tell her Jon went to live with his girlfriend, then, and that's why he'll NEVER go back there again  
  
 **Jon:**....................................................................................................................uh  
  
 **Theon:**....................................................................................................................huh  
  
 **Theon:**  Just to be clear, YOU'RE the girlfriend, right?  
  
 **Margaery:** THEON  
  
 **Theon:**  WHAAT I'M JUST MAKING SURE  
  
 **Theon:** Anyway here goes wish me luck if I don't talk to you guys in the next hour CALL THE POLICE  
  
 ** _Theon Greyjoy left the group chat  
  
_** **Jon:** Are you sure, Sans? I mean  
  
 **Sansa:** Don't worry about it. It's nothing  
  
 ** _Sansa Stark left the group chat  
  
_** **Margaery:** But it's not *nothing*, is it, Jon?  
  
 ** _Jon Snow left the group chat_** ** _  
_**


End file.
